Jewish mourning customs
Kriah |
Aninut |
Shiva |
Shloshim |
Kaddish |
Year of Mourning
Unveiling | Memorial practices | Yahrzeit | Yizkor
Unveiling | Memorial practices | Yahrzeit | Yizkor
SHIVA
Shiva, from the Hebrew for the number seven, is the seven-day period of intensive mourning immediately following burial, during which the family receives the support of the community. "Sitting Shiva" is a very old practice in Judaism. The earliest mention of a seven-day period of mourning occurs in the Book of Genesis, where after Jacob's death, Joseph "made a mourning for his father for seven days" (Bereisheet/Genesis 50:10).
Shiva begins on the day of burial and continues for seven days, except during the Sabbath and Holy Days (Yom tov). Check with a rabbi to learn how to handle your specific circumstance.
The shiva begins with a traditional meal for the mourners called seudat havra'ah "the meal of consolation". This is provided by close friends and family members and has traditionally consisted of hard-boiled eggs and lentils. These two foods, which are round, are symbolic of the cyclical nature of life, and the immortality of the soul. In offering these foods to the mourners, the intention is to affirm that even in the face of death, life continues.
Throughout the shiva, mourners sit on low stools, indicative of their bereaved state. They are also prohibited from wearing leather or any cosmetics, from bathing and engaging in marital relations. Even studying Torah is prohibited, for this is regarded as a pleasurable activity and hence must be avoided during this period of intensive mourning. It is customary, however, to study Jewish texts on the laws of death and bereavement, or the books of Job or Lamentations.
In the house of mourning, it is customary to cover all the mirrors, so that mourners will avoid looking at themselves during the week of shiva, and instead reflect upon the meaning of life and death. Benjamin's Park Memorial Chapel provides bereaved families with "Mirror Mist," a spray that obscures mirrors and washes off easily at the end of the shiva.
Traditionally during shiva, the community provides religious and cultural support to the mourners. Some people get comfort from reciting the traditional morning, afternoon and evening prayers. During these services the mourners recite the traditional Kaddish prayer. Throughout the complete seven-day period, a candle flame burns continuously in remembrance of the spirit of the departed.
At the conclusion of the shiva, it is customary for the mourners to go out of the house and walk around the block. This act signifies, on one hand, the beginning of a return to the world of daily living, and on the other hand, a symbolic escorting of the soul of the departed.
Shiva, from the Hebrew for the number seven, is the seven-day period of intensive mourning immediately following burial, during which the family receives the support of the community. "Sitting Shiva" is a very old practice in Judaism. The earliest mention of a seven-day period of mourning occurs in the Book of Genesis, where after Jacob's death, Joseph "made a mourning for his father for seven days" (Bereisheet/Genesis 50:10).
Shiva begins on the day of burial and continues for seven days, except during the Sabbath and Holy Days (Yom tov). Check with a rabbi to learn how to handle your specific circumstance.
The shiva begins with a traditional meal for the mourners called seudat havra'ah "the meal of consolation". This is provided by close friends and family members and has traditionally consisted of hard-boiled eggs and lentils. These two foods, which are round, are symbolic of the cyclical nature of life, and the immortality of the soul. In offering these foods to the mourners, the intention is to affirm that even in the face of death, life continues.
Throughout the shiva, mourners sit on low stools, indicative of their bereaved state. They are also prohibited from wearing leather or any cosmetics, from bathing and engaging in marital relations. Even studying Torah is prohibited, for this is regarded as a pleasurable activity and hence must be avoided during this period of intensive mourning. It is customary, however, to study Jewish texts on the laws of death and bereavement, or the books of Job or Lamentations.
In the house of mourning, it is customary to cover all the mirrors, so that mourners will avoid looking at themselves during the week of shiva, and instead reflect upon the meaning of life and death. Benjamin's Park Memorial Chapel provides bereaved families with "Mirror Mist," a spray that obscures mirrors and washes off easily at the end of the shiva.
Traditionally during shiva, the community provides religious and cultural support to the mourners. Some people get comfort from reciting the traditional morning, afternoon and evening prayers. During these services the mourners recite the traditional Kaddish prayer. Throughout the complete seven-day period, a candle flame burns continuously in remembrance of the spirit of the departed.
At the conclusion of the shiva, it is customary for the mourners to go out of the house and walk around the block. This act signifies, on one hand, the beginning of a return to the world of daily living, and on the other hand, a symbolic escorting of the soul of the departed.
SHLOSHIM
From the Hebrew word for the number thirty, shloshim is the 30-day (or one month) period which follows the burial. It includes the shiva followed by a diminished intensity of mourning for the rest of the month. Shloshim allows survivors who have returned to daily routines to lessen but continue mourning by refraining from social activities and reciting Kaddish.
From the Hebrew word for the number thirty, shloshim is the 30-day (or one month) period which follows the burial. It includes the shiva followed by a diminished intensity of mourning for the rest of the month. Shloshim allows survivors who have returned to daily routines to lessen but continue mourning by refraining from social activities and reciting Kaddish.
KADDISH
The Kaddish prayer is traditionally recited by children for their parents for 11 months following the burial, and not for the full year of mourning. That is because it is believed that the most evil soul is purified after a year, so by reciting Kaddish for less than a year, the son avoids implying that his parents were so evil they needed the maximum time for purification.
Kaddish is recited before a minyan, a quorum of 10. The prayer doesn't actually talk about the death, it is a prayer of praise to G-d, and testifies to how good the parents were to have raised a child who could rise above their personal suffering to express their faithfulness.
The Kaddish prayer is traditionally recited by children for their parents for 11 months following the burial, and not for the full year of mourning. That is because it is believed that the most evil soul is purified after a year, so by reciting Kaddish for less than a year, the son avoids implying that his parents were so evil they needed the maximum time for purification.
Kaddish is recited before a minyan, a quorum of 10. The prayer doesn't actually talk about the death, it is a prayer of praise to G-d, and testifies to how good the parents were to have raised a child who could rise above their personal suffering to express their faithfulness.
YEAR OF MOURNING
The death of a parent is observed over an 11-month period following the death. At the end of this period, the mourning cycle concludes, all formal mourning ends and there is complete return to full participation in social activities.
As an example of how the intensity of mourning lessons over time, a family invited to a celebration would remain home during the shiva, attend the ceremony but not the festivities during shloshim, and attend the festivities but refrain from dancing during the year. After the year, actions are simply guided by an individual's own feelings.
The death of a parent is observed over an 11-month period following the death. At the end of this period, the mourning cycle concludes, all formal mourning ends and there is complete return to full participation in social activities.
As an example of how the intensity of mourning lessons over time, a family invited to a celebration would remain home during the shiva, attend the ceremony but not the festivities during shloshim, and attend the festivities but refrain from dancing during the year. After the year, actions are simply guided by an individual's own feelings.
UNVEILING
The custom of placing a monument over the grave of a departed person is a very ancient Jewish tradition. The Book of Genesis, for example, records that Jacob erected a monument over the grave of his wife Rachel. From Biblical times onward, wherever Jewish communities have existed, Jews have continued this practice of erecting a memorial in honor of their deceased.
The monument is erected to indicate clearly where a person is buried, so that family and friends may visit the gravesite. It is also a way of remembering and honoring the memory of the person who has died. In fact, tradition holds that people are not supposed to visit an unmarked grave. A temporary marker is usually put on the grave until the monument is ready.
People often leave small stones on the headstone or the temporary marker when they visit the grave. This custom dates from Biblical times, when stones were added to the graves passed in the desert. The practice has taken on a new symbolism today, as small stones serve as a reminder of the Holocaust and the crumbling of ghettos and communities.
The ceremony of formally consecrating a monument is referred to as an "unveiling". While this ceremony has no origin in pre-modern Jewish life, this has become a standard practice today. An unveiling usually takes place during the first year after death. In Israel, some people go and visit the grave on the last day of shiva and even set the stone then or at the end of shloshim, thus closing a period that effectively began with the first visit to the graveside at the time of burial.
While families may choose a date at any time after the end of the shiva, it has become a contemporary practice to schedule this ceremony for some time between the end of shloshim, the thirty day period of intensive mourning, and the first Yahrzeit, the anniversary of a death.
Like the funeral, shiva, shloshim and kaddish, the unveiling provides mourners with the opportunity for emotional and psychological healing. The physical act of erecting and unveiling a monument allows for the expression of the sad and painful emotions of grief. Family members gather together, often from cities which are miles apart, and continue their mourning as a family, lending each other comfort and support in dealing with their grief.
For individuals who were not able to attend the funeral or shiva, the unveiling ritual provides yet another opportunity to grieve and to acknowledge one's loss. Although painful, this realistic experience of grief can, over time, be very healing for mourners.
The unveiling also allows the bereaved family members to honor and to recall the memory of their departed. It is a chance to continue to reflect upon the significance of that person's life, his or her accomplishments, and the people who were important. In a sense, through the unveiling, the memory of a person's life is etched permanently into the collective memory of the Jewish community.
The service for the unveiling of a monument is a short and simple one and can be led by a Rabbi or the family. It consists of the recitation of several Psalms; the actual removal of the veil from the memorial; the recitation of the malei rachamiim (the Memorial Prayer) and the Kaddish.
The following wording may be used:
A thousand years, in the sight of our eternal and merciful Father, are but a day; the years of our life but a passing hour. He grants us life and life He has taken away; praised be His name. ________has taken from our midst. We are pained by the gap in our lives. Yet love is strong as death; the bonds love creates are eternal. And ours is the blessing of memory, through which the lives of our departed continue to be with us
(The Covering Is Removed)
In the name of the family of _________and in the presence of his (her) family (and friends) we consecrate this monument to his (her) memory, as a token of our love and respect. May his (her) soul be bound up in the bond of life.
Amen
The custom of placing a monument over the grave of a departed person is a very ancient Jewish tradition. The Book of Genesis, for example, records that Jacob erected a monument over the grave of his wife Rachel. From Biblical times onward, wherever Jewish communities have existed, Jews have continued this practice of erecting a memorial in honor of their deceased.
The monument is erected to indicate clearly where a person is buried, so that family and friends may visit the gravesite. It is also a way of remembering and honoring the memory of the person who has died. In fact, tradition holds that people are not supposed to visit an unmarked grave. A temporary marker is usually put on the grave until the monument is ready.
People often leave small stones on the headstone or the temporary marker when they visit the grave. This custom dates from Biblical times, when stones were added to the graves passed in the desert. The practice has taken on a new symbolism today, as small stones serve as a reminder of the Holocaust and the crumbling of ghettos and communities.
The ceremony of formally consecrating a monument is referred to as an "unveiling". While this ceremony has no origin in pre-modern Jewish life, this has become a standard practice today. An unveiling usually takes place during the first year after death. In Israel, some people go and visit the grave on the last day of shiva and even set the stone then or at the end of shloshim, thus closing a period that effectively began with the first visit to the graveside at the time of burial.
While families may choose a date at any time after the end of the shiva, it has become a contemporary practice to schedule this ceremony for some time between the end of shloshim, the thirty day period of intensive mourning, and the first Yahrzeit, the anniversary of a death.
Like the funeral, shiva, shloshim and kaddish, the unveiling provides mourners with the opportunity for emotional and psychological healing. The physical act of erecting and unveiling a monument allows for the expression of the sad and painful emotions of grief. Family members gather together, often from cities which are miles apart, and continue their mourning as a family, lending each other comfort and support in dealing with their grief.
For individuals who were not able to attend the funeral or shiva, the unveiling ritual provides yet another opportunity to grieve and to acknowledge one's loss. Although painful, this realistic experience of grief can, over time, be very healing for mourners.
The unveiling also allows the bereaved family members to honor and to recall the memory of their departed. It is a chance to continue to reflect upon the significance of that person's life, his or her accomplishments, and the people who were important. In a sense, through the unveiling, the memory of a person's life is etched permanently into the collective memory of the Jewish community.
The service for the unveiling of a monument is a short and simple one and can be led by a Rabbi or the family. It consists of the recitation of several Psalms; the actual removal of the veil from the memorial; the recitation of the malei rachamiim (the Memorial Prayer) and the Kaddish.
The following wording may be used:
A thousand years, in the sight of our eternal and merciful Father, are but a day; the years of our life but a passing hour. He grants us life and life He has taken away; praised be His name. ________has taken from our midst. We are pained by the gap in our lives. Yet love is strong as death; the bonds love creates are eternal. And ours is the blessing of memory, through which the lives of our departed continue to be with us
(The Covering Is Removed)
In the name of the family of _________and in the presence of his (her) family (and friends) we consecrate this monument to his (her) memory, as a token of our love and respect. May his (her) soul be bound up in the bond of life.
Amen
MEMORIAL PRACTICES
Judaism holds the practical and realistic view that birth, death and memorials are stages on one continuum. Jews accept it as a simple fact of life that everything that lives must die and Judaism provides ways of helping us come to terms with this inevitability. Many historical and symbolic elements elevate Jewish burial practices and mourning customs from a physical to a spiritual experience. In the Jewish tradition, all deaths require a dual course of action: one for the body and one for the survivors.
Although the mourning ends, Judaism builds in the provision for Remembrance. Memorial practices encourage Jews to remember the lost relationship while living fully in a changed world.
Judaism holds the practical and realistic view that birth, death and memorials are stages on one continuum. Jews accept it as a simple fact of life that everything that lives must die and Judaism provides ways of helping us come to terms with this inevitability. Many historical and symbolic elements elevate Jewish burial practices and mourning customs from a physical to a spiritual experience. In the Jewish tradition, all deaths require a dual course of action: one for the body and one for the survivors.
Although the mourning ends, Judaism builds in the provision for Remembrance. Memorial practices encourage Jews to remember the lost relationship while living fully in a changed world.
YAHRZEIT
Yahrzeit is Yiddish for anniversary and is more commonly used than the Hebrew, Yom Azkara, to refer to the anniversary of an individual's death. Each year, on the Yahrzeit, according to the Hebrew calendar, surviving parents, children and siblings honour the deceased's memory in four ways: lighting a special Yahrzeit candle; visiting the grave; reciting the Kaddish and performing a righteous act, tzedakah, such as giving to charity.
Yahrzeit is Yiddish for anniversary and is more commonly used than the Hebrew, Yom Azkara, to refer to the anniversary of an individual's death. Each year, on the Yahrzeit, according to the Hebrew calendar, surviving parents, children and siblings honour the deceased's memory in four ways: lighting a special Yahrzeit candle; visiting the grave; reciting the Kaddish and performing a righteous act, tzedakah, such as giving to charity.